autism is a journey: A Glimpse

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

A Glimpse

(from June 17)
I think of that Nicholas Cage movie "family man" where he gets a "glimpse" into another life.
I can relate this to my own life and the moments I treasure.
There are these moments for me when I get a glimpse of normalcy. A time when autism ceases to exsist. Like a time warp. These moments are priceless and sometimes come at me like a curveball.

Well, today I had a couple of them. Which for me was like hitting the lottery twice in one day.

My first glimpse: Jackson return kicks a ball down field during a soccer game. Does it like he's done it a hundred times before, but he's never done it before. At this, I am elated! I jump and yell and I think he's unsure of what he did that was so meaningful. Except that we've once again gone through the litany prior to entering the game:
You need to kick the ball Jax, what are you going to do?
Kick the ball.
What will you do?
kick the ball
What will you kick?
the ball
Then, the countless prompts:
kick the ball Jax
You have to run
Go get the ball Jax
Get Tommy
Follow Molly

In that moment, that glimpse, all these fade into the background. It's like life in slow motion as my baby defends the ball. It means so much to me; yet I wonder, does it mean anything to him?

Ok, so I'm content with the glimpse, I won't ponder the complexities of it.

Next, we're at the amusement park. He loves it here and so do we. When we're here as a family, we feel accepted. We feel validated. We feel like we belong [Lord, that in itself is priceless]. It's our first trip of the season and Jackson flits from one ride to the next seemingly on a mission to ride each ride he's missed all winter. Later in the day, when DH and I are both a suffereing motion sickness from all the rides we let both boys ride together on the "flying scooters". [Dh is reluctant, unsure it's safe. I'm certain they'll be fine]. Jax too, is a bit unsure but decides he'll ride with Cal. So this glimpse [tears here] lasts 2 minutes as I watch my two boys filled with joy fly through the air laughing, giggling, squealing together.
There is nothing else in the world for me in those minutes. Just a heart growing warmer, a love growing deeper. Just a glimpse of what might have been between two brothers....

I can't help but think of what is between these brothers. For Jackson, it's unconditional love. For Callahan, it's curious love.

So, today I got two glimpses. I love them. Maybe I shouldn't admit that.

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from "Metaphor-the puzzle piece symbol"

Ever had one of those "ah-ha" moments? I'm driving down the road today, pondering Jackson's recent successes--boyscout camp and football camp. It occurred to me that each experience gave me back a piece of Jackson. [I'm not doing a very good job explaining this...] When we learned about Jackson's diagnosis, so many dreams were snuffed out. We no longer thought about our son becoming an athlete, a scholar, or even a friend. We thought in much smaller terms:"how many words does he have?""did he learn a new sign""is he reaching out to us?""that's playing pretend, isn't it?"Our perspective as parents permanently changed. It's like we had this complete picture of our child and autism fractured it--into a 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle.Each day little by little, we get pieces of the puzzle back. It'll never be complete, never the same as we expected, but there will be parts that will come together.Like when he participated in the school music program, enjoyed boyscout camp, rode the roller coaster and attended football camp. Bit by bit, we get pieces of what we expected back.Of course, the flip side of this is all the joys we gain from Jackson that we never expected in spite of the autism, but that's another post my friends....