And I find myself here, spilling my thoughts and sharing my heart.
19.
I reflect on that time of blissful ignorance. That time of infinite possibilities. That time of hope and promise. That time before autism defined my son; limited my son; imprisoned my son. Sometimes it seems like just yesterday.
You know? Like when you turn around and suddenly the baby you carried is skipping into kindergarten? Or you blink and your sending them off to college? Yeah, like that. Once upon a time, in the south, when I was young and still in love, I had a baby. He was every dream, every hope, every prayer answered. And now...he is 19; and he is amazing; I love him. I hate his autism.
I get it.
I know.
I know....
"Typical" 19 ain't so grand; it's probably sullen, moody, and messy.
This I remind myself when I find the darkness closing in; there is much to be celebrated.
There is, there is much to be celebrated.
And sometimes, sometimes there is so much loss that I grieve for what might have been.
I get angry.
I get lost.
My heart leaks out my eyes.
I need to know that somehow, there is a way to a happy ending.
I see those words and realize I create that happy ending.
I choose that happiness.
For us.
So tonight, I'm gonna let my heart leak out my eyes. I'm gonna grieve, be sad, angry, and more than a little pathetic. I'm gonna get it out of my system so that tomorrow I can get up and celebrate all that things that make 19 amazing.
