It's in there

Today Jackson said, "I watch Rugrats."
I asked, "when did you watch Rugrats?"
He responded: "at the Y."
me: "Yes, you did watch Rugrats at the Y. Did you like it?"
J: "yeah"

It was over 4 years ago, but he did watch the Rugrats at the Y pretty regularly. I had to laugh out loud at his comment, as I'm amazed at its relevance.

It strikes me that so much is trapped inside his mind, as he struggles to find a way to make sense of it; to put it all in order. We get random comments like this from time to time, that seem to make sense.

A few years back it was "Meagan likes popcorn" a throw back to his time in pre-school with Meagan, who did indeed like popcorn.

It's in there...just waiting to come out...

I watched just bits of the Dateline piece on autism and vaccines. At the risk of sounding petty and self-centered, I admit that all this research ("being on the verge great things coming out of the recent research in the next couple of years") means so very little to me. Will it ever help recover my son? Nothing can give back to us the things we have lost to autism. Nothing. Even with a "cure" his life has been so radically different from "normal". Generally, I try not to focus on this. Try to look on the "bright side" and enjoy and celebrate my son for who and what he is. There are times though, that emotions are raw and I'm left feeling frustrated.

More on vaccines, autism and how it relates to Jackson another day.

Firstborn Son and random signs from God

Sunday in church, the Bible passage referenced sacrificing the firstborn son. The message was on following God and the passage begged, "what would you do for your Lord?" It had a completely different meaning for me. Suddenly, I felt the pain of sacrificing my first born and God's gift to me had greater meaning than ever before. How could He endure? How did He manage to see the Gift through?

I've sacrificed my firstborn son to autism. I didn't willingly give him [nor would I ever choose to] yet, I'm living with the consequences every day. Autism is like an invisible prison for him, locked inside his own world, at times unable to communicate his basic needs. Rarely able to communicate his frustrations or joys. Everyday tasks others take for granted require much more effort and focus for him. I feel like so much has been taken from him, from me.

As I ponder this sacrifice, I am reminded what I've gained. The perspective, patience, empathy and basic acceptance that I might not otherwise have. And then, I wonder what has my baby gained? How has this been a gift to him?

God gently reminds me: Jackson's life is full of purpose and meaning. Jackson's life story and journey isn't that different from any other child of God's. I need those signs from God. The gentle reminders to carry on. The sometimes quiet voice reminding me that God's plan is perfect, though mysterious. The calming voice reminding me there are burdens greater than mine...

Look How Far We've Come

Jackson has had band lessons all week. He's starting middle school and gets the opportunity to play drums in the band. I'm ever so grateful for Tyler, a very cool kid, who is willing to take Jack every day and provide the support he needs to be successful.

Like most things with Jackson, I wasn't sure how this was going to go. I lost sleep over how he would do and was worried we hadn't prepared the band director for just what to expect. I prepped Tyler, explaining that it was OK with me if Jax didn't make it the entire hour, "do what your comfortable with" I told him and I prayed. I hoped that Jackson could make it through at least part of the lessons each day. The first day, he stayed for the entire hour and Tyler reported he did "fine". The second day I expected him to return home early and that he would lose interest. Instead, when Tyler dropped him off (after staying with the lesson for the entire hour) Jackson cried and wanted Tyler to come back. He anxiously asked repeatedly yesterday about Tyler and band.

Tyler just picked up Jackson for day 3. Jackson couldn't get out the door fast enough, and then as I'm at the car door reminding him to put on his seat belt, he literally slammed the door in my face, as if to say, "mom, I can do this, you are not cool!"

I truly feel like this is God's gentle reminder: You've done right by your son; he is My child too, and he will succeed. It chokes me up. I want to make the best decisions for him. I want him to succeed. I refuse to give up on him and lower the bar. I refuse to remove the support system so strongly rooted in this community. Given the opportunity, Jackson rises to the occasion and shines.

"why"...because I'll forget ;)

Why questions are the most difficult for Jackson to answer. He's gotten really good at "what", is decent at "where", we're working on "when"; but "how" and "why" are so abstract and difficult for him...
Last month he answered his first why question. The other day I couldn't even remember the answer, so I'm putting here forever...
We were at my grandparents hanging out with them, (my uncle had just passed away). Jackson loves their house. They have all the cool things he likes: lots of space to run, a long paved driveway to ride his bike or scooter, a barn full of tools, a swing, the list goes on. He'd been outside playing, riding his scooter and he came in and asked to go to the barn. It went something like this:

J: "barn?"
Me: "what do you want?"
J: " I want to go to the barn please"
Me: "Jackson why do you want to go to the barn" [of course I wasn't expecting an appropriate answer]
J: "to ride the tractor"
Me: [to my grandparents] "That's the first time he's ever answered a why question, I'm taking him to the barn"

So, we went to the barn so he could "ride the tractor".
My life is filled with simple joys so many others take for granted...