December has been a whirlwind of shopping, cooking, wrapping, visiting and celebrating. It's been a busy month and now I have a minute to reflect on how Jackson has handled the holiday bustle.
I was thrilled and nervous when he was invited to a special birthday party. The kids were going to ride in a super stretch limo to the movies and then to see the holiday lights at Franke Park. I didn't think he would want to ride in the car without me. Even when he attends youth events he won't ride in the church van without Dan or I. So, I was skeptical and anxious (maybe feeling a bit like he often does). I wrote a social story about the party and hoped that it would ease his anxiety. I'm so happy to report that he did just fine. He had a great time riding around in the "big car" with the kids. He was so excited that during the school day he almost ruined the surprise when he asked a friend in choir "You ride in the big car after school?" Words cannot express how relieved and proud I felt. It was one more step towards independence. One more piece of "normal" returned. Just having him included in the party is such a gift.
He handled our family Christmas marathon like a trooper. For us, Christmas started on the 19th and didn't end until the 26th. He's much better able to self-regulate in noisy crowded situations. This year, he had a litany of gifts he wanted for Christmas: Abominable snow monster, spotted elephant, charlie-in-the-box and dolly from the misfit toys, a big Charlie brown, a big Snoopy and a big Rudolph. Honestly, we worried because even though he was getting everything on his list, he wasn't getting them all at once. We held our breath Christmas morning, hoping he wouldn't have a meltdown over missing a few of the coveted items. Again, he surprised us with his patience and resilience. The only disappointment was that he doesn't get overly excited when he's happy. It's almost a letdown. He opens it like he knew it was coming. In the end, I'll take that.
Today I am taking him for the meningitis vaccine. I'm so not looking forward to it. Earlier as I was otherwise pre-occupied he brings me this note he as written: "Toksin Ts" and announces "Go to tokens and tickets." The note took my breath away. It's the first time he's used writing to make a point. His teacher will be happy to know all her efforts in written expression are paying off. He's beginning to understand the power of print. I'm blessed by this kid, who keeps me guessing and is full of love.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
before autism...
I was cleaning out old pictures today and came across one of my favorites of my niece Cora and Jackson when she was almost 3 and he was almost 2. They are dressed in matching outfits and look more like siblings than cousins. It is precious beyond words.
Funny how a picture can freeze a moment in time; be so joyful and sad at the same time. I think that picture probably best represents life before autism.
It's hard to think about and sometimes hard to remember what life was like then. Jackson's life was this partially written canvas waiting to be filled, with hopes and dreams and so many, many possibilities. Certainly, before autism, I never imagined autism being a part of that picture. I remember praying fervently that he would grow into a man of faith. I remember feeling like he would do amazing, incredible things with his life. I suppose that's the way all first time parent are: full of anticipation and hope. Our lives before autism were filled with joy in all that he did, we were amazed by who he was and intrigued with the possibilities of who he would become.
It strikes me just now how different it was when Cal was a baby. I was so consumed with fear of autism that I didn't spend much time hoping, dreaming, imagining possibilities (I probably make up for that shortcoming now, dreaming big for and with him).
I work hard on seeing the glass half full. So much of Jackson's purpose and message in life is the work of God. Sometimes I just want him to be not so much what he is. I suppose there are qualities in all kids parents would like to leave out. Even as I type this, I feel guilt for these emotions. I don't know who Jax would be without autism. I rarely indulge that line of thought. Instead I try to focus on all the things I wouldn't have without autism. I try to consider how it makes me a better person.
In the end there is a definite mark in my life timeline:
before autism
after diagnosis
It seems like there should be like a vast chasm between the two. Instead, it's a blink of the eye; a turn of the page. It's a sunset and sunrise all in one fell swoop.
Funny how a picture can freeze a moment in time; be so joyful and sad at the same time. I think that picture probably best represents life before autism.
It's hard to think about and sometimes hard to remember what life was like then. Jackson's life was this partially written canvas waiting to be filled, with hopes and dreams and so many, many possibilities. Certainly, before autism, I never imagined autism being a part of that picture. I remember praying fervently that he would grow into a man of faith. I remember feeling like he would do amazing, incredible things with his life. I suppose that's the way all first time parent are: full of anticipation and hope. Our lives before autism were filled with joy in all that he did, we were amazed by who he was and intrigued with the possibilities of who he would become.
It strikes me just now how different it was when Cal was a baby. I was so consumed with fear of autism that I didn't spend much time hoping, dreaming, imagining possibilities (I probably make up for that shortcoming now, dreaming big for and with him).
I work hard on seeing the glass half full. So much of Jackson's purpose and message in life is the work of God. Sometimes I just want him to be not so much what he is. I suppose there are qualities in all kids parents would like to leave out. Even as I type this, I feel guilt for these emotions. I don't know who Jax would be without autism. I rarely indulge that line of thought. Instead I try to focus on all the things I wouldn't have without autism. I try to consider how it makes me a better person.
In the end there is a definite mark in my life timeline:
before autism
after diagnosis
It seems like there should be like a vast chasm between the two. Instead, it's a blink of the eye; a turn of the page. It's a sunset and sunrise all in one fell swoop.
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