Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Inclusion & Ramblings...

I have been doing research on autism and inclusion--the pro's and con's if you will. There is so much information out there, and so many opinions. I honestly think one could make a strong case either way citing "experts". At the end of the day, I'm left trying to sort through it all and decide what is best for my son. I have to speak for him, unfortunately he doesn't have the words. Well, that's not true, actually he does say he wants to "stay with my friends"; he has no interest in a "new school".

Alas, next comes the unnerving thought, what else would he say if he could? Is he aware of his social plight? Does he wish for something different? Would he prefer to be educated with "similar" peers? How different would that look for him? How hard would it be? Would it be too easy? Would he miss his friends?

I am forced to face my greatest fear: REGRESSION. In the end, that is the great unknown; the black hole of my existence. What if he just stops moving forward? What if he ALWAYS loves Sesame Street stuffed animals? I think I can live with that...That is not the black hole--the dark place where regression lives is a place where he loses his place in my world and reverts into his own. Regression is a disconnect, a loss one does not easily recover from. Regression is the rug pulled out from underneath us, and the worst part is not knowing what may cause it. I think I have a clue about some things that might cause a regression: a huge change in routine, setting or schedule could send a typcial person over the edge. Jackson isn't at all typical. Take him away from everything and everyone he knows and it's like a "perfect regression storm".

REALITY is now. Reality is, "Mom, come here" and "Cal jump with me" or "Hey dad". Reality is the notes he writes us in church asking to go to "Toysrs" or to tell dad to draw "big brd o hrd" [big bird goes on a hayride]. This reality isn't one I could have hoped for even 3 years ago. I try to remind myself of that as I ponder the next 3 years. How much will he change and grow? What does HE want for his future? How capable is any 13 year old of explicit future planning? Most of them I know are vague at best regarding future plans: I want to go to college, I want to make a lot of money, I want to drive a nice car. Jackson wants to go to "mickey mouse's house". [I am smiling as I type that one].

At the end of the day, I put my head on my pillow and pray. Pray that God will guide me to His awesome plan for my son's life. Pray that I will see His hand in it all; pray for insight and peace. Pray for a sense of direction and to listen to His will, and the strength to accept it.