Elephants, Tigers & camels?

Seven years ago, I was 8 months pregnant with Callahan, and we decided to take Jax to the circus with another family. It was probably one of my lowest points in parenthood. Here was this precious 5 year old boy who literally, just could not filter all the sensory input the show offered. He did his best, and he so obviously wanted to be there, but he just was not able to assimilate all the sights and sounds of the circus. He would leave the arena and watch from the hallway, peeking out over the steps into the lights and sounds, clearly distraught. He was torn between wanting to see the show, but knowing it was more than he could handle. We ended up leaving; me carrying an upset tearful boy away from the coliseum, fighting back tears myself. It was a heartbreaking painful reminder of just how not "normal" our family was.

Fast forward, 6 years...Jax goes to the circus with his 5th grade class, (dad in tow)and is able to filter and enjoy all the chaos that a circus has to offer. We were pleased beyond words that, finally, our son could enjoy a childhood treasure: the circus.

Armed with that experience under our belts, we bought tickets to the circus and went as a family last night. Jax seemed a bit confused at first, referencing going with 'the kids', but quickly adapted to a "family fun night". Once we got our seats, Jax began a litany "elephants, tigers, and camels". I wondered where he got the idea that there would be camels at the circus. He repeated his litany at least twenty times through out the show, he had to be sure he wouldn't miss anything. We got our popcorn and overpriced dippin' dots and souvenirs and we sat together as a family and marveled at the circus. Quietly, inside, I marveled at my son. A boy who doesn't realize all that he has to work against; who doesn't comprehend the why's and how's of the world. A boy who has courage to keep trying and stretching himself to new experiences.

We got a piece of that figurative puzzle back last night. We were able to enjoy the circus as a family in a "normal" way we at one time thought never possible.

Lazer Tag

Last night we went with the Youth Group to Lazer tag. It was a lot of fun, Jax really enjoyed "playing". He generally just wandered around the arena, shooting at random things, and enjoyed the sensory blast that used to overwhelm him. I am happy that he had a good time, but it's a little bittersweet. It's almost painful to watch him; so unaware of the point of the game. I know that I should be content with his joy, but I'm just not. It made his autism so evident, so in my face that at times I just wanted to cry. One step forward, two steps back, that's how it kinda goes isn't it?

He did have a lot of fun, and enjoyed himself. It didn't faze him one bit, and in a way it's a blessing that he doesn't know what he doesn't know. I just wish it didn't break my heart to watch it happen.

And, once again, the kids he's grown up with stepped up and had his back. We went to IHOP for "breakfast" afterward. The kids were grouping up, getting tables. When Jax became aware of what was happening he asked for one of his friends (more than one time--in his own way by repeating his name). This sweet, kind kid made room for us in his group like it was no big deal. He may never know what a big deal it is to me.