Sunday, August 29, 2010

Faith & quiet whispers from God

Faith: a small word with big meaning.
I sometimes struggle with it; a guilt complex arises in me. Perhaps it's the devil on my shoulder whispering, "with enough faith your son would be healed from the demons of autism."
Last Sunday in church, we had a guest speaker, who eluded to just that: "the faith of a little seed can work miracles. It made the blind man see; the lame walk." It made my heart ache and my soul feel empty. Do I lack the faith to heal my son? Would he be "whole" if I prayed more? Would he be "normal" if my faith were greater? I cannot believe that to be true. Instead, I believe that God has a perfect plan for my son. A plan full or purpose and importance. The angel on my should whispers a reminder: "be still and know I am God."

And then, God steps in.
God knows when I need a reminder. He knows when my heart needs healing; He whispers to me and I know.

When I picked up Jax from school Friday afternoon I had a moment to talk to the mother of another child with autism. This child and Jackson share a gym period. Last week, the teacher was excited that the other boy used "I" with Jackson. His mother and I are getting to know each other better and Friday afternoon she was telling me how her son asked for shoes "like Jackson". Her son wanted to wear tennis shoes in gym like Jackson. She was thrilled and excited to tell me this accomplishment. [He hadn't worn "tie" shoes in years]. I was excited too. I know how "little" things can be really big things. As I left the school with Jax that afternoon, I heard whispers from God: "this is his purpose, here is his witness; be still and know I am God."

Just a gentle reminder: my son is perfect in God's eyes. His life is full of purpose. I am working on remembering that.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Lazy, Hazy Days of Summer


Our family strolled into August; we had no agenda or commitments beyond our vacation and I looked forward to a couple of weeks filled with sleeping late and pajama days. Jackson so appreciated the laid back, no agenda days, though lately he's ever so aware that the carefree days are coming to an end and school will start very soon. Though I attempted to throw in a few "when Cal goes to first grade" comments and I dragged him to the school for registration, I didn't overtly talk about school with him and yet, he seems acutely aware of the dreaded "s" word.

I start back to work tomorrow and made myself sit down here to record some of the more memorable moments of the past few weeks:
Sesame Place was amazing, it always is. Jackson was so comfortable and happy, I felt my heart growing inside me. Callahan was so patient and sweet, almost indulging his brother's love of the muppets. Cal tried for 3 days to win at one of the impossible carnival style games to get Jackson a HUGE Elmo. On our last day in the park, he managed to "win" a big Elmo for his brother. I sooo wish I'd had a camera to video him as he walked through the park to meet Dan & Jax. He held the Elmo down at his side, he didn't want anyone to think it belonged to him. He carried himself in a macho-cool style, and still he wanted to be certain Jackson knew that HE won it for him. So as Dan & Jax exited the Lazy River ride, Cal made Elmo "wave" hello to Jax. Cal proudly tells how Jackson jumped out of his tube and ran through the water to get to Cal and Elmo. It was heartwarming and a memory I'll cherish.

Another fabulous brother moment came in the time they spent on the trampoline together. During our road trip, Jackson watched Spiderman 3 several times. This renewed his love in his Spiderman costume and he would dress as red spiderman and jump on the trampoline with Callahan as the "evil" black spiderman. They would wrestle, laugh, and jump together playing "spiderman". Here are some photos of them:

Watching them play together was so fun, I'd catch myself spying on them out the window, hoping they wouldn't see. I still don't know how they could stand those costumes in the humid August heat, but I'm thankful for the memories!
The Children's Zoo is always a fun place to spend an afternoon, though sometimes with Jackson it can be trying. He can be rigid, and want to stick to his routine. We always start in Africa, with the skyride, the we check out the hyena's and lions before heading over to feed the giraffes. Last week, the giraffes weren't interested in the romaine lettuce...There were several people on the observation deck watching the giraffes, but none of them were coming our way. Well, Jackson wasn't going anywhere until he (we) fed a giraffe. The zoo worker told me to try putting the lettuce down low and maybe the baby giraffe would come over and feed. I said a quiet prayer and put my piece of lettuce down lower. Meanwhile, Jackson is yelling, "Come on giraffe, it's time to eat" and "Giraffe get over here". Thankfully, this didn't intimidate the young giraffe and she came over and ate the leafy lettuce. I've never been so happy to feed a giraffe!
The zoo also provided an arena for Jackson to learn to use his cell phone. He's had it for a year, and has no interest in phoning or texting anyone. He has learned to use the camera feature on it, taking several photos of the animals and his toys while at the zoo. It's a step in the right direction anyway...
One final summer memory, as Jackson is harassing me for his computer time. This summer Jackson was invited to a couple of co-ed parties and had a great time with his friends. He is so blessed to have an amazing group of peers who look out for him and make a point to include him. This means so much to us, and ultimately, I know it means so much to him.