Anticipation

"Patience is not the ability to wait, but how you act while your waiting." this quote was recently in my Twitter feed.  I think about time, patience, and anticipation.  How different each of their meanings for my son...

Time passes, time runs, time slips through my fingers.  Jackson has no sense of time.  In the moment, it means little to him.  He can ask about a special event a thousand times before it actually happens.  Lately, he is obsessed with going to the beach.  (My hypothesis is this is because we didn't go anywhere for spring break).  We are going to Destin in July with some good friends.  He asks daily about this vacation and we go through a litany of repetition something like this:
J: "We are going to the beach"  hesitates "with Paige and Parker" hesitates
Me:  "In July"
J:  "Should Ang go?  Should Rob go?"
Me:  "In July"

Seriously.
We go through this conversation everyday.  He has little concept of when July will be.

It's not that he doesn't have enough patience, it's that he has too much anticipation.  For me, anticipation is generally a good thing.  "I can't wait!"  How much of our lives do we wish away via anticipation?  Yet, here is my son.  My awkward, lanky, innocent boy, for whom anticipation is a nemesis.

Anticipation stole his magic at the happiest place on earth.
Anticipation suffocates his joy.
Anticipation snuffs his spirit.
It's like he is waiting for the sky to fall....

You know what?  I am gonna find a way to turn that around.  I am going to find a way to make it a smile that twinkles in his eyes.  I am going to find a way through sheer will. 

Ironically, anticipation is the name of the game with this kid.  I have to anticipate his move, know when the stress level is reaching the tipping point.  I have to be prepared with plans B, C, D, and E.  This has become such a habit for me, such a part of my being that it frustrates me when others cannot execute it.   Clearly, you have been around my child enough to notice when the flags are going up.   Do you not see the signs?  Do you choose to ignore them?  Are you that self-absorbed that you turn a blind eye tot them?

Well, this post is loosely knit.  Kind of a reflection of me right now..little focus, distracted,  and full of pieces that do not quite fit together.  I am rusty, give me time and this writing thing will improve...I just gave you something to look forward to....anticipation.