...Happy

We did it!
Jackson put on his Mario costume and headed down the street.
At the first few houses he needed prompting on the "thank you" part, but overall he did great! He loved it; noticed other kids costumes and would comment, "The boy is Spiderman, Jackson is Mario". He waited his turn and handled the crowd.
Here is a of picture the boys with Dan enjoying Halloween:

Hopeful...

Once again, it's Halloween. The favored holiday of many kids filled with costumes, candy and fun. Halloween has not always been a favorite of Jackson's, so this afternoon I am hopeful (ever so hopeful) that he'll enjoy tonight. If not for his sake for Callahan's.
The day has been uneventful.
The coveted Mario costume has been purchased.
The weather is cooperating.
So we wait...and hope.

I so much want him to just enjoy this ritual. Celebrate the holiday, relax and delight in the moment. I want his brother to have a "normal" Halloween. The memory of last year's Halloween fiasco haunts me. I want this year to be different.

So, I'll update here the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Here's to hoping the ugly is just photos of ugly costumes!

Just One Moment

Ever had a moment that you just want to last and last? A memory that is short on time, but long on heart? Tonight we traveled to watch the 7th grade football team compete in their last game of the season. It was one of those times where I wasn't sure at all what to expect from Jackson; new place, different field and stands. He wasn't completely prepared for it. Anything could happen.

The weather was perfect. Our team was winning and my son was cheering. He held up signs that the cheerleaders held and led many in the crowd in the chant, "Defense, Defense". He was excited, engaged and involved in the game. He had "shared attention" for you therapy gurus out there. He was content, happy.

In that moment, autism didn't define him. Autism didn't limit him. Autism didn't suffocate him. In that moment, he was cheering for his team; nothing else mattered. In that moment, I felt triumph. In that moment, I felt like I had done something right. It was the kind of moment with energy of its own. The kind of moment you want to hang on to. The kind you want to package away to retrieve on dark days.

It's my moment to cheer now, "Way to Go 'busco fans!" Once again you all made a priceless memory. Thanks for being a part of his life.

On Life and Afterlife...

It's been a busy couple of weeks! Jackson turned 13, THIRTEEN, yesterday. We celebrated with his friends on Sunday. The kids all had a great time playing mini-golf and hitting in the cages at the Plex. Jackson was thrilled to have quarters to drop in the crane game, over and over again. [Thanks Larisa!] Everyone had a good time, and Jackson did as well as I could expect him to do.

His incredible teacher took time to bake a cake with him on his special day at school and used sugar letters to spell words on the cake. Evidently, he loved making and decorating the cake, but when it came time to actually eat the cake, he insisted: "No, you can't make me!" At which, this wonderful teacher, took him around to several other teachers and had him share his creation with them. That's the thing about Jackson, he knows how to throw you for a loop. Who would think a kid wouldn't want to eat a cake he helped make? Anyway, he had a great birthday, topped off at the 7th grade football game where the cheerleaders called him down to hang out with them and the Eagle Mascot at half-time as the fans joined in singing "Happy birthday". Only in Churubusco does this kind of magic happen. Someday, someone will make a movie about it, I'm sure. :)

I spent Jackson's actual birthday saying good-bye to my beloved Uncle Jack. Who reminded me from the time Jackson was born, "He'll always be Jack to me". I've thought a lot about Uncle Jack these past few days...he was an amazing, generous, and loving person. [I could stand to take a page from his book many times!] I've thought about Uncle Jack as another angel watching over my son from heaven. I've considered how my Jackson brings out the best in people. I could cite many examples, but just now, my heart is heavy and my eyes are tired. I'm content just to reflect on the goodness of so many people and especially, the goodness of one who will be greatly missed. Keep your eye on him from up there Uncle Jack! <3

"Don't Cry Mom"

The other day, I wanted something from Jax (I don't remember what now) and he wouldn't give it to me. So I pretended to cry to get him to do it (every parent has pulled this trick a time or two right)? I was surprised by his response. He was really concerned and said, "Don't cry mom," "It will be ok". It was actually very sweet and left me feeling guilty. He truly has a pure heart.

Last night we all went to a bonfire. The boys both had a great time, and Jackson eventually wandered away from the adults to "party" with the kids. It's so hard for me to let him have this independence; yet so important to him. In the end he had a fabulous time hanging out with all the kids and was even giggling about it this morning. I am, as always, ever so grateful for the friends we have and the support Jackson gets from so many others.

Just a random update

Jackson is adjusting to being back in school. This fall is particularly challenging as he adapts to a more "middle school"-type schedule changing classes each period. There are a lot of transitions for him to adjust to, but so far he's handling it. At home, I'm giving him a little more "room"; allowing him time to relax, and decompress after school. We haven't pushed the homework.

Last week, he brought home pictures from school of Super Why and the Teletubbies. He was insistent on making a book, even asked me to "get a stapler". So I quickly stapled together some notebook paper in a hastily created "book" and he went to work cutting out the characters, gluing them to the pages and writing his own "story" including his favorite characters. I was thrilled that he wanted to write, and that he stayed with the "project" for a good 15 minutes! The book is really just slapped together and I so wished I had put it together with less primitive supplies, but, I am so proud of it and will cherish it, as this was the first time he really initiated the writing.

Callahan has been trying his best to get Jax on the trampoline with him...Jax sometimes will jump with his brother, but more often answers "No!" when Cal asks him if he wants to jump. Last night, I heard Jax on the trampoline in his half singing, half yelling stimmy voice happily jumping on the trampoline. I have to say that I never expected the level of pure joy that his huge toy has brought my sons. It's a pain in the butt to move when mowing the lawn and was almost impossible to put together, but it's proven to bring hours of fun to both boys.

Today the kids had a great time at the lake with grandma & grandpa. Jackson especially enjoyed the "fast" boat ride, complete with water splashing up on the deck of the boat. Though he was at first obsessed with NOT going back to the house; insistent on staying out on the lake [definitely a moment when autism stole the joy from something for him]. Callahan caught his first fish and got to experience "driving" the boat. He was particularly proud of himself and we were proud of him too!

Faith & quiet whispers from God

Faith: a small word with big meaning.
I sometimes struggle with it; a guilt complex arises in me. Perhaps it's the devil on my shoulder whispering, "with enough faith your son would be healed from the demons of autism."
Last Sunday in church, we had a guest speaker, who eluded to just that: "the faith of a little seed can work miracles. It made the blind man see; the lame walk." It made my heart ache and my soul feel empty. Do I lack the faith to heal my son? Would he be "whole" if I prayed more? Would he be "normal" if my faith were greater? I cannot believe that to be true. Instead, I believe that God has a perfect plan for my son. A plan full or purpose and importance. The angel on my should whispers a reminder: "be still and know I am God."

And then, God steps in.
God knows when I need a reminder. He knows when my heart needs healing; He whispers to me and I know.

When I picked up Jax from school Friday afternoon I had a moment to talk to the mother of another child with autism. This child and Jackson share a gym period. Last week, the teacher was excited that the other boy used "I" with Jackson. His mother and I are getting to know each other better and Friday afternoon she was telling me how her son asked for shoes "like Jackson". Her son wanted to wear tennis shoes in gym like Jackson. She was thrilled and excited to tell me this accomplishment. [He hadn't worn "tie" shoes in years]. I was excited too. I know how "little" things can be really big things. As I left the school with Jax that afternoon, I heard whispers from God: "this is his purpose, here is his witness; be still and know I am God."

Just a gentle reminder: my son is perfect in God's eyes. His life is full of purpose. I am working on remembering that.